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Paris Hilton’s Coke Crisis

Reported by JontySkrufff on September 7, 2010

A vast conspiracy of global law enforcement agencies and jealous journalists appeared to be mobilising against Paris Hilton this week, as press reports claimed that the billionaire heiress had been caught with cocaine in Vegas.

Vegas cops reportedly pulled over the Cadillac driven by her boyfriend after smelling marijuana smoke pouring out of the window and arrested Paris ‘when ‘cocaine in a clear baggy’ fell from her purse as she reached for a lip balm’, the New York Post said.

Admitting that credit cards, US$1,300 in cash and Zig Zag rolling papers found in the purse were hers, she allegedly initially suggested the cocaine could be chewing gum, then denied the handbag was hers before blaming a friend for ‘probably’ putting the drug in her purse.

Despite her superb ‘never get busted again’ style explanation, the super-rich reality TV star was charged with felony cocaine possession, though Tweeting about the incident later was characteristically defiant.

"These rumors going around are so ridiculous, untrue and cruel," she Tweeted. "I'm not going to even pay attention to them because I know the truth."

Twittering again about the incident more obliquely the next day she directed followers to ‘fan site’ ‘That’s Hot and Huge’ with the message ‘Love this site, it's nice reading the truth instead of these invented stories on other blogs. Check it out ‘)

The professionally produced page (which describes itself as ‘a site where we all can come to share our AWE for Paris Hilton’) was ecstatic.

The media are going to great lengths to discredit any people who stand by this heiress through thick and thin. Many reports even went far as saying the owner of this blog is paid by Paris Hilton,” the ‘owner’ insisted.

The owner of this blog, is in fact a journalism student who lives humbly in the Bronx with her family. She does this blog for fun and for the love of Paris Hilton” the ‘journalism student” exclaimed.

“Paris Hilton would never jeopardize her career by doing cocaine. We believe her and know exactly what it feels like to be tangled in a mix-up to that degree, all too well. That is another story, for another time, on another blog! This is about Paris!” the owner curiously added.

“We are confident that Paris Hilton will prevail and can go back to her normal busy-bee self. This is a learning experience, oh Glamorous One!” (‘This is a site where we all can come to share our AWE for Paris Hilton. She takes the phrase Blonde Bombshell to a whole new level. She is a brand && a household name. She inspires women && young girls alike to find their inner Bombshell. That's hot! && Paris Hilton is HUGE . . .’)  (Nicholas Saunders seminal ‘don’t get caught’ tips from a London policeman: 

3: If the police stop a car full of people and ask them to get out, and then find some pills on the floor, they do not have enough evidence to charge anyone unless someone admits it is theirs. They will usually say they will “charge the lot of you” to try to get someone to confess, but this is bluff. However, this would enable them to get a search warrant to search the homes of all the occupants.

4: Do not identify what your suspect drugs are. Without your confession they will have to be analysed, increasing the cost of the case and making it more likely to be thrown out by the CPS (crown prosecution service).” (Nicholas Saunders’ fantastic book Ecstasy Reconsidered)

Jonty Skrufff (